Bryan Austin

Life is seems is, for the most part, a solitary journey...

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 04:21:14 GMT

I think I'm entering a stage of my life in which no one may follow. Next year I'll finish up my Masters and I want to go for a PhD. I have no idea where I'll end up, or just how my life might look. More than that though, I feel that I'm gaining a greater understanding of myself, and sadly with this understanding comes the knowledge that much of my old life must be left behind...

Unfortunately, I've yet to figure out how to part with the past on a happy note. I know I need to leave behind friends, family, and lovers, but I don't know how to wish them well. I love them still, and wish I could bring them along with me on my journey, but it cannot be. The more I try and bring people along the more they slow me down and hold me back.

The irony of it all is everything seems to come down to faith. For everything to work out, I have to have "faith" that it's all worthwhile... What a bunch of bullshit! I gave up my faith for what I thought was truth, and now I'm back at square one again.

*Sigh*

It's very much the best of worlds, and at the same time the worst of worlds. I feel I am the most confident and secure in the person I have become and yet I'm probably the most trouble I've ever been. I feel like every decision is so crucial to my happiness and those who I love. I'd love to be able to "let go, and let God," but God's not on my side. He has his own agenda.

Oy, there's so much to say. I wish trying to do good was enough to bring happiness. If that was true I'd be the happiest man alive. LOL, and what I mean by good is entirely subjective, but basically it involves helping people self actualize while showing them genuine care.

I think I'm on the right path, but only time will tell. I just hope there are some tangible rewards along the way. Right now the work is so hard, and the rewards so few. I want to believe that at the end of the day everything is going to be alright, but all too often at the end of the day I lie asleep alone in the darkness with only my insomnia and my restless thoughts to keep me company.

If you should happen upon this journal, please don't see it as a cry out for help or me bitching about things. Life is sometimes tough, and it's helpful to write it down to purge it from one's system. I'm happy with the person I've become, and for the most part with the decisions I have made. I still strive to be better and happier though, and welcome all those who think they might be able to help me.

As I close, I can say I'm excited about the future. The knowledge and experiences I am gaining will certainly count for something. The investments I'm making are not in vain and with each day I'm closer to what I am looking for. I only hope I have enough time to get there.

Lastly, if you're reading this I probably am missing you. I think a lot about people who were in my life. I wish I could have been more of myself when I had know you. Ah well, there's still time. Later all. :)

I Bleed Bitterness

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 04:52:20 GMT

Yeah, it's been forever since I've updated, and I promise the next time I write it will be something relatively positive and thoughtful, but right now I'm bleeding bitterness.

I've overstayed my welcome at OU. I've lived through the Golden Ages and now I see an up and coming Dark Ages. I should be saying my fond farewells and thinking about how much I'm going to miss everything, but I'm really not.

I have a few awesome close friends, and a great many other friends who are tons of fun and great to hang around with, but I also have a lot of fluff in my life. I have a lot of relationships which seem to not mean a thing. I don't know. I'm really just frustrated right now.

I'm evaluating all my experiences over the last seven years and I'm coming up short. I'm not happy with myself and I'm not happy with the way I'm leaving things. Perhaps, things will change in the last weeks. I hope so.

As it is though, my heart is full of negative feelings. Sorry for the negative post. Just trying to lance my heart and drain some of the poison out of it.

My Social Dysfunction... HA HA

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 20:13:21 GMT

Your Social Dysfunction:
Normal

Being average in terms of how social you are, as well as the amount of self-esteem you have, you're pretty much normal. Good on you.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

If I shared half of what I thought they'd lock me up for sure...

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 04:12:51 GMT

You know that really kind of sums things up. I'm at a point in my life where I'm a little crazy (Btw I'm still trying to figure out if I was crazy to begin with or if my craziness is a result of society... That's still a bit tricky to figure out.). Either way though it doesn't change the fact that I'm not all that well right now and it's not getting better. One of my problems is that I've lost almost all of the unconditional love in my life. My family hurts me and actually makes me ill (had a little episode over thanksgiving), my good friends are busy living their own lives and some are far away. What I do have is some good friends, but it's tough to live life without a fallback of unconditional love. Also problematic is my lack of a confidant. I really could use somebody to just bounce ideas off of, but everyone in my life is either a part of the equation or else they are influenced by what I want. This brings me to another point: being that I no longer trust myself as a rational and unbiased person. I no longer am confident in what I feel and think is real. I'm actually quite fearful a lot of what I feel and think isn't reality, but what I want to be reality. I'm noticing a nasty trend of me seeing signs where there are none. Yes, these signs do exist and they might point to a possible future, but they aren't destiny...

"If I shared half of what I thought they'd lock me up for sure..."

You're probably agreeing with that statement right now and if you aren't I imagine you will be more inclined to by the end of the post. Seriously though, I haven't slept a good night's sleep for months. I have insomnia followed by nightmares. Even scarier is I'm starting to get back spasms as well as the beginnings of a cold, and once either one of these goes I'm toast.

So what to do? What is there to do?? I've thought rationally about the whole thing and there are no simple solutions. I can't talk the problems away and I can't just go up to somebody and ask them to love me forever no matter what. Even family's so-called "unconditional love" does come with a price, and with strangers this price is most often unattainable.

So I do the best I can and resort to the only kind of defense I know. I go into Bryan lockdown. I bury my heart deeper and deeper. I throw up oodles of walls and I show weakness to no one. Basically I declare marshall law on myself and then go through life as though it were a war and the enemy was around every corner.

And it works...well in the daylight at least. At night when I'm alone I just want it to stop. I'd love to just be able to close my eyes and not have to worry, think, or feel. I'd love to be able to hug somebody not be afraid that they wouldn't return the hug or expect something from me in return. I'd love to share all of who I am...but they'd lock me up for sure.

The most ironic part of it all though is I'm already a prisoner. I'm so worried about my thoughts and feelings that I've shackled myself with inaction and doubt. I'm so afraid of more rejection and isolation that I'm walking through life like a ghost. I'd love to be real, but I don't have much of me left. If I take too many more blows, I just might lose the last bit of control I have, and once that's gone I don't know what I'd do.

So, after that jumbled mess of thoughts I go to sleep or as I like to call it "lying in bed with my eyes open." I don't really expect to live happily ever after, but at a bare minimum I would like a small doorprize of truth. Screw me over God, but at least explain it to me all in the end.

Thanks a bunch,
Bryan

My Own Social Theory

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 04:56:24 GMT

In the past couple of weeks I've come to believe that there is a strong correlation between those who do not conform to social norms and those who have psychological disturbances: the greater the nonconformer, the greater the psycological disturbance. Now I'm not quite sure which comes first: the non-conforming or the disturbance, but I do know that where one is present the other soon follows and is reinforced.

The reason I bring this up is that I am currently striving to live the human experience to the fullest extent of my capabilities. I want to know everything and feel everything. I want to leave no rock unturned and no avenue unexplored. In my quest though for self actualization I've ventured too far away from the social norms. It is true that the social norms/sacred rules we live by are not complete and are from truth, but since so many believe and follow these rules their power is unquestionable and the result of not following them generally is a psychological disturbance.

I see these so-called disturbances in myself and others. The farther you venture away from society, generally the more damaged you become. Already, I have suffered a great bit of damage in my own pitiful attempts to "find myself" and what do I have to show for it? Yes, I'm closer to the "truth," but what's the use if I'm the only one who sees it???

There is a lot to be said for "blending in." I'm giving a lot more thought to sharing less of my thoughts and keeping more things to myself. Previously, I believed the more I shared and the more I interacted with people, the more they would begin to question the social norms with the eventual hope that they would just live. Instead though I seem to hold people back and lead others down paths to self-destruction...

Social norms are too powerful. The results of my efforts lead to bizarre relationships and even more bizarre situations. I can blur the lines and make reality hazy, but in the end it's all just an illusion. Not to mention the backlash... In the last couple of days I have experienced some horrible dreams. I have trouble sleeping and have felt like I'm on speed while I'm awake. I've dealt with the situations I believe to be causing these breakdowns, but they are proof that a long term solution is necessary.

So, while I can't escape the life I've made for myself I can pull it back in. I really think it's time to stop forging my own way through life and instead take a seat in the back row. I can still have my thoughts, my questions, and my outlandish ideas, but nobody has to know.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of going against God and his screwy plans designed to make me go insane. I'm not throwing in the towel, but it's time to go underground. I've spent too much time trying to understand the freaks and not enough time with the so-called normals. It's definitely time to pull back...

Life as it is and not as you want...

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 05:47:20 GMT

I pretty much know what I want. I want to know, to learn, to grow and to experience that which I've yet to experience. Yes, I also want to have fun, feel comfortable, safe, content and all that, but more important than that is advancement. Life is not about staying put, but growing to one's full potential.

The problem I continually encounter is fate/God continually slows me down. To really grow and to experience new things I have to leave my comfort zone and enter new circles, or I have to expand and deepend my older social circles. However, no matter what my actions are I seem to only reinforce the status quo or fall flat on my face.

As I evaluate my life, all the best things fall into two categories: the things I have structured myself to be good at and the friendships I've been blessed with. The frustrating thing is that these two things are not correlational. No matter how hard I try I cannot discover how to further my friendships or uncover new ones. All my skills and talents seem to work against me. Never do the friendships/relationships I work on pan out. It always comes down to chance it seems, and if you know me I had leaving things to chance.

So, what to do from here?

Well, I think a big problem I have is that I have built of fortress of status quo in my life. Even the drastic life changes I have enacted are not enough to unsettle the rock solid foundation for the so-called person that I am. My image is definitely bigger than life.

I've also decided to be a little more forward. I don't have time for subtle games. Lately I've been as blunt as can be. The results are still pending, but initial results look positive.

As always, life's a journey.

So Wise and Yet So Dumb

Wed, 25 May 2005 05:16:36 GMT

I'm beginning to see my future. I'm definitely moving closer to that wild old sage. You know, the guy who everyone looks up to and goes to for wisdom, but nobody thinks is human. I find myself surrounded by people and yet spending more time in my head than anywhere else. I look around and think about others, myself, the world, and don't have anyone to share it with. I tell some friends, but some don't pay attention, others don't understand, and others just listen and have nothing to add.

I don't begrudge the part I play, but I do wish I could take a more active role in life. Too many people keep their distance with me. Everyone is so guarded and hardly anyone wants inside anymore. Maybe that's because I share so much freely now or maybe it's the intimidation factor or ???

I have taken some steps though to changing my life and starting a new future. If all goes according to plan I will be leaving OU in a year and living somewhere else. Perhaps even out of state. Details will be announced as they become available...

So many things to ponder though...

I really wonder why social circles are so set. Why is it that we are so hesitant to get to know new people? Why are we so afraid to grow and learn? Do we decide how we are or is everything we do a conscious choice? I've got plenty more and spend a load of time trying to sort through them all, but to no avail.

Hmmm, time will tell. However, if I'm right, you'll soon find me to be the strange old sage who lives by himself. A man, who people come to for wisdom, but a man entirely cut off from life. This is the man it seems I was meant to become. The question is whether I accept my fate and allow destiny to take me where it will, or if I drag my feet kicking and screaming the entire way...

Time will tell...

Growing up is hard to do...

Thu, 19 May 2005 08:46:02 GMT

Saw Episode III... Lets never talk about Star Wars again--at least not for a couple of years...

Coveting

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 07:57:54 GMT

We can't help it but compare. We look at our neighbors, our friends, and our enemies and we can't help but ask why things are the way they are. Why can't I have it like so&so, or why does so&so have it so good? The light thinkers like to answer these kinds of questions with vague terms like luck or chance, but I propose something different. I propose that everything is exactly as it should be.

You see, in my mind everything must have a reason. So&so is rich because so&so's parents were rich, or maybe so&so won the lottery. Another so&so is single not because they are unlucky in love, but more likely because they are deficient in some way. Maybe single so&so lacks social skills, good looks, personality, charm, or whatever, but something is missing that prevents them from finding a relationship. In the end, everything makes sense.

In order for things to make sense though, we have to compare and we have to covet. We have to ask ourselves why we lag behind in some areas and why we have it so good in others. We have to somehow shift through all the issues, both our own and other people's, and somehow get to the bottom of everything. One thing stands in our way though, ego.

The primary cause for all the problems in your life stems from one thing and one thing only. This source of all your problems is you. You are the reason for your successes and you are the reasons for your failures. How do you accept this though?

To be honest, I'm not really sure. Personally, I still like to blame God. Outwardly, I like to chalk up my most serious problems to him. He's a big target and pretty hard to miss. Truth be told though, I know I'm to blame. I may not have realized the consequences of the decisions I have made in life, but I must accept the reality they have made for me.

It's tough though. I feel like I know so much and yet I feel powerless to change things. Like everybody else, I'm able to look at others and quickly assess their problems. I can tell you very quickly why people have problems in their life. I can tell you who is ugly, who is dumb, who is nice, and who is mean. More importantly, I can tell you how these issues affect their lives and what they do about them. Largely what they do about their issues is what determines their fate.

The one thing I can't tell you is my own inadequacies. I can't tell you why certain problems exist in my own life and why I can't always get what I want. When you are looking at yourself from the inside, things are so much more complicated. You don't see what others see, and you don't want to.

I suspect the reasons for my coveting. I can make logical guesses to why I can't have what I want. I can also propose solutions and courses of action that would allow me to get what I want. Only my ego stands in my way.

The problem it seems, at least for me is that my self is composed of my weaknesses and my strengths. My problems and my issues are a part of me. They can be explained, categorized, and even solved, but if they were I would cease to be me. That's the real issue.

I could have everything I wanted in life if I was willing to sacrifice myself, but that's the last thing I'll ever do. Hardships and tribulations are what make people the way they are. The interesting people are the people who try to bend and warp reality to fit themselves. Anyone can bend to reality, but very few can actually bend reality.

It all comes down to will. Well, will and the rules/laws of society and the universe, but all these rules/laws are subject to change and will can accomplish this change, but only every so slightly and every so gradually.

In my 24 years I've managed to be able to bend reality pretty well. I have been able to change some of the laws and bypass some of the rules, but I'm beginning to realize that I'll never reach where I want to go. I'll never be able to reproduce or manipulate circumstances to create what comes natural to others so I'm left to my coveting.

People will argue that one should just be themselves and reality will treat them fairly, but if you do so, I can guarantee you'll never be able to overcome your problems. If you simply are yourself, then you will quickly be gobbled up by reality. People that are themselves play by society's rules. If you are completely open about who you are and what you want, society will treat you accordingly. You will get the kind of person you deserve to get, you will get the kind of job you deserve to get, your future will be determined based upon the rules of society and how you interract with those rules. On the other hand though, if you attempt to bend the rules of reality, you can sometimes bypass the rules/laws of society.

That's pretty much where I come in. I don't want to play by the rules. I don't feel that I fit in with any set type of persona in our current society so I want to make a new one. I don't want to have to sacrifice a part of myself to fit in or give up one of my issues so that I can gain something I want. What I do want to do is bend reality.

I can tell you that few things give me more pleasure and meaning then being able to blur the lines. The moment in which you can get people to question the way things are done and why the rules are the way they are is the moment in which I find happiness. In these moments I catch my glimpses of "truth" as I like to call it. More important than the rules we live by are what I like to think of as basic pillars upon which society and reality are founded upon. When we blur the lines we can get back to these basic and pure thoughts and emotions. That's pretty much my dream.

But, when I'm not dreaming (which is most of the time) I'm coveting. I can't help but look around and ask why. I can't help, but want and desire the things outside my reach. Oh well, that's the human condition. On the bright side, I do believe I'm beginning to understand it. In the end it always does make perfect sense...

Surrounded by Black Holes While in the Presence of Demons

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 09:13:58 GMT

Tonight was talking to a very very dear friend of mine the subject of personal demons came up. Everyone has them and each person's are unique to their own fears. In my case, my demons reside in side of me. I have a part of me which I cannot integrate into my being. Though it is part of the real me, I fear it, don't want it, and would still rather have it not exist. But, no matter how you feel about yourself, you can simply decide what parts to keep and what parts to throw away. Little by little I have begun to integrate my demons and I have been successfull in taking away a lot of their destructive power. Still, I wonder if it's even worth the bother. When it comes down to it, no matter how much I change inside it doesn't change reality. Though I may some day make peace with my demons, there are many that I love that never will. That's the killer for me. What do you do when people who love you cannot accept a part of you?

It really tears me up. It makes me question my sanity and try to be somebody I'm not. It stunts my growth and makes me question every single decision I make. If that wasn't bad enough, there are these interesting phenomena I like to call "black holes" which complicate things. These "black holes" come into play when I attempt to deal with my personal demons. Try as I might, the world and God does not want me to have success and be complete. In order to combat my efforts people will ignore my actions and comments. Some will deny ever knowing me. Others will change how they act around me and everyone will always keep their guard up around me.

In my last post, I mentioned my experiment. I talked about how I was tired of waiting and how I wanted answers. Well, I took some chances and took a fairly aggressive bite out of life. In response I hit a brick wall. On every front I met either a wall of silence or a wall of lies.

It seems that I am trapped. Image is indeed everything and what people think I am is more important that what I really am. I've tried so long and so hard to be what everybody wants me to be that I've actually screwed myself over. I've become exactly what everyone wants me to be. I've done my job so well that no matter how I act I'm still the person they want me to be. I can say and do crazy things, but image is everything. The shadow of Bryan is greater than the actual Bryan.

How true that is. It has always been my desperate hope that as people get to know me better they will discover the true me, but that quest always ends once people find what they are looking for. Maybe that's my self defense mechinism, but if it is, it will also be my undoing. Every time some accepts me for something less than my complete self the shadow of Bryan grows. Every time someone sees me not as I am, but what they want me to be the real Bryan gets buried one foot deeper...

I have so much love in my life and so many people that care and let I feel like I'm buried in a glass coffin 40 feet underground. I can see the rest of the world around me, but my interactions are limited and nobody can seem to hear me...

So yeah, I've got a lot on my mind. That's issues for ya.

Experiments

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 09:19:59 GMT

I have taken a very defensive stance in life. Most of the time I have decided to react instead of act. This is a pretty safe strategy and can save you a lot of hurt, but the learning curve for it is not very good. When you play it safe, often times you don't get the information you need to learn and move on. For most of my life I have been content with my defensive nature, but in recent years I have come to the conclusion that life is too short and I need to catch up. The benefits are now worth the risks.

So, in order to learn and grow I'm taking some previously unheard of chances. I'm telling people how I feel and sharing some of my personal observation and feelings about things without heavily pondering the consequences. I'm attempting to get people to deal with some of their issues with me and themselves and am not always taking the polite slow approach to it. I'm also not allowing people to pretend that problems and issues don't exist.

Chances are that most of these so-called "experiments" are going to blow up in my face, but with everything up in the air and the fact that the whole defensive strategy seems to have deadended; I really think this is my only chance. Regardless of what happens though I'll leave these situations wiser.

We shall see....

I thought I'd share...

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 09:12:58 GMT

( ) Smoked a cigarette.
( ) Smoked a cigar.
( ) Smoked a joint.
(X) Crashed a friend's car (I hit another car in a parking lot...).
( ) Stolen a car.
(X) Been in love(got those lovey dovey feelings).
(X) Had a threesome(pretty darn fun).
(X) Been dumped.
( ) Shoplifted.
( ) Been fired.
( ) Been in a fist fight.
(X) Snuck out of the house.
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
( ) Been arrested.
(X) Made out with a stranger.
( ) Gone on a blind date.
(X) Lied to a friend.
( ) Had a crush on a teacher.
(X) Been to Europe.
(X) Skipped school.
( ) Seen someone die.
(?) Had a crush on one of your myspace friends.
(X) Been to Canada.
(X) Been to Mexico.
(X) Been on a plane.
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
( ) Thrown up in a bar.
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire.
(X) Eaten Sushi.
( ) Been snowboarding.
(X) Met someone from the internet in person.
( ) Been moshing at a concert.
( ) Been in an abusive relationship.
(X) Taken painkillers.
(X) Love someone or miss someone right now.
(X) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by.
(X) Made a snow angel.
(X) Had a tea party.
(X) Flown a kite.
(X) Built a sand castle.
(X) Gone puddle jumping.
(X) Played dress up.
(X) Jumped into a pile of leaves.
(X) Gone sledding.
( ) Cheated while playing a game.
(X) Been lonely.
(X) Fallen asleep at work/school.
( ) Used a fake ID.
(X) Watched the sun set.
(X) Felt an earthquake.
(X) Touched a snake.
(X) Slept beneath the stars.
(X) Been tickled.
(X) Been robbed.
(X) Been misunderstood.
(X) Pet a reindeer/goat.
(X) Won a contest.
(X) Run a red light.
( ) Been suspended from school(close but no cigar).
(X) Been in a car accident.
(X) Had braces.
(X) Felt like an outcast.
(X) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night.
(X) Had deja vu.
( ) Danced in the moonlight.
(X) Hated the way you look.
(X) Witnessed a crime.
( ) Pole danced.
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes.
(X) Walked barefoot through the mud.
(X) Been lost.
(X) Been to the opposite side of the country.
(X) Swam in the ocean.
(X) Felt like dying.
( ) Cried yourself to sleep.
(X) Played cops and robbers.
( ) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers.
(X) Sung karaoke.
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins.
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
( ) Made prank phone calls when you were younger.
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose.
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
( ) Danced in the rain.
( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus.
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe.
( ) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about.
(X) Blown bubbles.
(X) Had a bonfire on the beach.
( ) Crashed a party.
(X) Gone rollerskating.
(X) Had a wish come true.
( ) Worn pearls.
( ) Jumped off a bridge.
( ) Screamed the word penis in public.
(X) Ate dog/cat food.
( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them.
( ) Kissed a mirror.
(X) Sang in the shower.
( ) Owned a little black dress.
(X) Had a dream that you married someone.
(X) Glued your hand to something.
( ) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole.
( ) Kissed a fish.
(X) Worn the opposite sex's clothes.
( ) Been a cheerleader.
(X) Sat on a roof top.
(X) Screamed at the top of your lungs.
( ) Done a one-handed cartwheel.
( ) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours.
(X) Stayed up all night. (last night!)
(X) Didn't take a shower for a week.
(X) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree.
(X) Climbed a tree.
(X) Had a tree house.
( ) Are scared to watch scary movies.
( ) Believe in ghosts.
( ) Have more than 30 pairs of shoes.
( ) Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say.
( ) Gone streaking.
( ) Played ding-dong-ditch.
( ) Played chicken.
( ) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on.
( ) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger.
(X) Broken a bone.
(X) Been easily amused.
( ) Caught a fish then ate it.
(X) Caught a butterfly.
( ) Laughed so hard you cried.
( ) Cried so hard you laughed.
( ) Mooned/flashed someone.
(X) Had someone moon/flash you.
(X) Cheated on a test.
( ) Have a Britney Spears CD.
(X) Forgotten someone's name.
(X) Slept naked.
( ) French braided someone's hair
( ) Grown a beard. (Impossible for me)
( ) Belong to the KKK.
( ) Rule at life.
( ) Own at least one Gun

Rondom Comment

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 21:22:06 GMT

I love people who respond to email within 24 hours. Even more special is when they respond within a couple of minutes. So for that reason I salute you my fellow email junkies. You are very special people. Don't let anybody tell you differently.

True, but Ouch

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 21:29:40 GMT

You're The Sound and the Fury!

by William Faulkner

Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips
with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue,
but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard
time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant
anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Dwelling

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 22:38:00 GMT

Today was a day when the skeletons came out to play. First, I had to clean out my webmail because it was almost to full capacity. While doing so, I ran across many unfinished tasks and great ideas I never followed through on. I also stumbled upon personal emails from people I used to care deeply about. Some of these people used phrases like, "Whatever happens I'll know we always be good friends." Such language causes me to pause. Did this person really believe this or did they know they were lying? It's sad to say, but a great deal of my past is pretty much deemed classified. No, I don't mean that I have several years that have gone accounted for, but rather that there were significant people in my life who now would barely acknowledge that they know me...

I've made so many mistakes, but can you really say they were mistakes when you don't know how you could have done better? I've pretty much come to realize that I'm a dweller. Many people like to move away from the past as quickly as possible so they can forget about it. It seems I like to move forward too, but in my case it's so I can dwell on things which have already happened.

Perhaps "dwell" isn't the right word. In a postive light, I like to find meaning in things and it's usually only after pondering things that you can find the true meaning. But with me it seems like I want to suck the marrow out of things. I so badly want everything to make sense and be tidy. I want to tie up loose ends, I want the truth revealed, and I no longer want to feel regret.

Regret is a problem. I regret what I have done and what I have not done. Whether through action or inaction, I seem to bungle things... I have done so much good and accomplished so much, but how much does it count for? After dwelling on my emails from the past, I ran into several people from the past. Some of these people are people who now try to avoid me, others are people who act like they barely remember me...

Days like today make me really wonder how much I do matters. I know there are a lot of instances in which I do good, but good seems to fade, while mistakes lose no potency with the passing of time.

*Sigh*

I think I'll go ponder/dwell on this...

Life's Lessons

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 07:16:03 GMT

I'd say a good analogy to how I feel about life is to compare myself to a kid who has been held back in school. For a couple of years now I have watched all my friends learn, grow, and move onward in life while I have not. Yes, I could venture into newer uncertain waters, but I don't feel I'm ready for them nor do I feel I have learned all I need to know. I know for certain I'm behind personally, especially when it comes to relationships, but I seem unable to make up for this deficiency. I'm hardly lacking when it comes to opportunities, but when I bite the same thing always happens. I end up having some moments until the inevitable meltdown in which I can never see nor talk to the person I had the "said" moments with. Granted breakups and relationships are awkward, delicate things, but I am growing very weary of what I like to call my "unsolved mysteries." I'm tired of meeting people and trying to get to know them and then to have them disappear on me for reasons unknown. Yes, I'm bright enough to figure out that it didn't work out, but I want to know why and I want to know the end of the story. I want people to be like me and be able to put aside their own feelings and look at everything logically and without passion. Sadly though, nobody seems capable or willing. Leaving things unsolved and unresolved seems to be much more the style.

It definitely seems to me like there is some lesson in life that I'm failing to learn, some rudimentary skill which holds me back from the next level and great adventure. What that lesson is I do not know, but I'm dying to learn. But what am I learning? For one I seem to be learning patience. My classes are not to my liking, but I feel such a degree is important for me to have. I am not challenged or intrigued, but I believe the paper equivalent I will receive will serve me well. The whole experience more than anything appears to be a lesson in patience.

On my job front, I'm not really sure what is incomplete. I do feel like I don't inspire people enough or mentor them properly, but at the same time I do feel I do a good job, just not good enough. I'm not sure when I'll feel the need to move on or what I have left to learn. Maybe this will be the year?

I guess to end my rant it's important to believe that the answers will eventually come. What I have to remember is that I cannot enforce my will nor can I bend others to my will. Rather I should be studious and take life's lessons as they come. I should continue being curious and inquisitive, but realize that my own personal quest is a quest few others will ever know or want to know for that matter. Few will break down the foundations upon which they were raised and even fewer will want to. As always I have so many questions... And you'd think that with so many questions I would want someone with answers. Truth be told though, I don't. I don't want someone to be able to give me answers. I want someone to make me be able to see even more of the unknown... I want someone to make me feel what I have never felt and know what I have never imagined. Is that too much to ask?

I'm guessing so and I'm pretty sure life will be that bit of cold heart truth down my throat, but we will have to see. However, should you know some of life's lessons and you know which ones will be on the test, please let me know! I really don't think I can be held back many more years...

Searching for Answers in True Bryan Style

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 09:30:04 GMT

The truth will not elude me for forever...

So I was bad. I've decided to go back and unearth some of the past to try and learn from it. I've been advised not to do so and to move on, but I have to know the truth. I need to make the world make sense. Besides, the worst thing that can happen is I might offend somebody or make them feel uncomfortable. And what's their discomfort compared to "truth!?!"

The reason I say I did this in true "Bryan Style" is because I'm relentless. It will scare some of you, but when I don't understand something or am intrigued by something, I devote my full resources to it. I recall conversation in their entireties and even ponder over word usage. I casually do background checks and attempt to understand the full picture without tainting it in the process. My purpose is not to enforce my will, but to understand what is.

Some may see my efforts as beating a dead horse, but I have to believe there is a reason behind everything, and even if I don't get a clear answer to my questions as long as I get some kind of reaction my quest will not have been in vain. So yeah, I may annoy the hell out of some people and drive others to drink, but I will have my truth...

In other news, I'm definitely dealing with some insomnia problems. My cold seems to be on the mend, but there is no one tired in Bryan town. Nope not one soul.

Also in related news I have a new movie to add to the list of all time favorite Bryan movies, The Forgotten. This movie has great significance to me and is a pleasure to watch. Definitely a must see. Well, there is more that I could ponder, but I suppose I should attempt to sleep again...

One last thing! Tonight I won at poker and it reminds me on an age old lesson which I should always follow, "Always play to your strengths." This is so true. If I play defensively and allow people to play to my strengths, the game is usually mine. It doesn't matter if it's hockey, chess, or poker. However, if I am too rash and attempt to bend them to my will I'm the one who usually ends up as the loser. I must remember this. My strength is in defense. It is in being the one who reacts. I cannot read people worth a damn, but I can let them hang themselves. I should never give it up.

Numb

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 07:58:06 GMT

It's quite the paradox how we humans are thrill seekers and claim to want the most out of life and yet when we aren't on the edge we want to be numb to everything. I find this to be true in everybody, but I'm most aware of it in my closest friends and in myself. I see the tendency to avoid our problems and issues through "fixes." For some of us this "fix" is drinking, drugs, sex, etc, etc... Whatever the fix is though it serves the purpose of making us numb. It takes away the pain for a moment, but also makes us prisoners to it. I'm not going to turn this post into a self help book, but I do want to call attention to this epidemic of numbness around us. I know of my own issues and the "fixes" I partake in to numb myself to them. I am trying to help myself, but I'd also appreciate the help of others. I feel as friends we should all try to better ourselves and the ones we love. Yeah, it's quite the process, but it's one I feel we should all take. Well, that's my 2 cents.

Oh yeah, and my future is all over the place. I have so many thoughts and so little direction. I'm definitely looking for that perfect fit.

test

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 05:40:45 GMT

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Pathetically Awesome

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 08:37:00 GMT

New Square score: 42761 (228 squares)

lol

Define Loser

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 23:26:21 GMT

Top score of 23959 (167 squares) at the following game:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/squares.html

PS Thanks for the link Kevin. It's good to be successful at something in life.

Sharing Realities

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 01:56:16 GMT

I'll be the first one to say I love to talk and share. I find my life very interesting and I like to talk through ideas. I like to think outloud at times and work through things by talking to other people. I also like to hear other people talk about their lives and their thoughts (though not too many people like to share the deep and meaningful stuff). Any how, despite my love of sharing, there are inherent difficulties in such a practice.

The first of these difficulties is the sharing of realities. Whenever you share with someone, both parties must each bring their own personal reality and build a bridge somewhere so that they can meet in the middle. That sounds a little confusing so let me explain further. We all see things from a different point of view. In order to understand something we must always relate it to our own experience; however, at the same time we must also consider that the other person is not ourself and that he or she might see things differently. We then must come to some kind of compromise between how we view the reality of the situation and how we think the person telling the story views the reality of the situation. Whenever we participate in discourse, we participate in the sharing of these realities.

Most of the time this process of discourse is just a sharing of ideas: we learn some things and the person we are talking to learns some things. But sometimes/often there is a power struggle. Sometimes a person will share a story and the listener will attempt to enforce his or her reality on the person telling the story. Usually the means of this enforcement of subtle, but the effect is not.

In recent days, I've had some of my stories challenged. I've shared my outlook on things and others have disagreed. Now granted, that probably shouldn't be such a big deal; however, a lot of these issues were of a personal nature and about things I have a hard time sharing. When people disagree with my version of reality, I have to ask myself if they do so because they think I am in error or if they have an alterior motive. Either way the result is disturbing and unsettling...

There are other difficulties I could mention in the sharing of realities, but I think I've already shared enough to come to my point. My point is that I think a relationship is the only kind of atmosphere you can get in which you can share your honest to god thoughts and experiences. Best friends and good friends are great, but I can never shake the feeling that I'm either boring them to tears or that they think I'm pathetic or insane. What I really need is someone who is passionate about finding out all their is to know about me, a person who only seeks clarification, not a person who questions my interpretation of events or desires to change who I am.

I'm not really sure why I wrote all of this, but lately I've really just found myself missing a companion with which I could share all my thoughts with. I have people who I love and people who I trust completely, but no one who I feel understands. There is also the matter of selfishness. There are many people out there I'd love to talk to and share with, but these people are so self absorbed with their own lives that they cannot be reached or relied upon.

I probably should just write all of this down and have my own personal conversation with myself, but that's probably the root of my problems. Upon self-reflection, I think my desire to share comes from a yearning for acceptance. I know that I don't accept myself and there are parts of myself I'm none too fond of. People always say you should love yourself and be true to yourself, but this becomes very problematic if you yourself are a jumble of contradictions and opposing forces.

As always the quest continues. I continue to grow and learn. I just greatly desire someone who has my answers. I want to feel complete and accepted, but hey who doesn't? I guess it's only natural.

A World so Vast

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 09:29:24 GMT

In a world so vast, it's amazing to me to think about all the possibilities we have and where all of our actions have taken us. I think about the world around me and how who I am and what I have done has affected it. I think about my wants and desires and what I feel is impossible to achieve. We all can find some kind of happiness in the world around us, but I think there is always something else we are looking for. Perhaps some people think they can find this in the world around them, but many others I think turn to fantasy.

Whether for good or ill, I find myself turning to fantasy for the things I don't think possible in reality. I'm not pleased that I do this, but at the same time I'm not surprised. There is little that I lack in life, but what I lack I lack in abundance. In so many areas of my life I have to excess, but there are parts of me which are malnourished and deficient.

And I wonder if I have myself to blame. I know that many of the answers I seek have always been right next to me and have always been possible, but I find myself trapped by the person I have made myself out to be. Every moment we fashion ourselves to be a certain person, and so long have I been the person I claim to be that there is no option to choose to act otherwise. I'm a prisoner of my habits.

The world is vast though. The possibilities are limitless. If I was willing to pay the price, I believe I could have almost anything. All it takes is sacrifice. But for sacrifice to work you have to be committed and that's something I lack right now in life. At the moment I don't believe in anything. I have no foundation upon which I hold all my beliefs to, and no truth to which I cling to. Instead, like a ghost I try to show people the way without being present in their world. This of course is problematic because how can I show people realistic answers when I only live in fantasy and possibility...

I'm far too critical of myself in that regard, but I can't help but feel that very few people know me for the full person I am. Yes, they know the important parts of me, the strong parts, the good parts, the admirable qualities... but they don't get to see the full picture. They don't see the deficiencies and the desires. They don't see the void.

Hmmm, something to ponder I suppose. I just wish in a world so vast that people would not feel so compelled to live according to society. Every day I live for the moment in which I catch glimpses of who people really are and what they really want. Ah well, in a world so vast, it should be only a matter of time before I stumple upon that which I seek. I guess like most people though, I won't know it until it's right under my nose. Time will tell...

Gave in to peer pressure...

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 20:21:20 GMT

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

A Relevant Song

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 14:55:19 GMT

"The World Is Black"

Turn on channel seven at a quarter to eight
You see the same damn thing it's just a different day and
No one really knows why this is happening
But it's happening
And everywhere you go it's just a different place
You get the same dark feeling
See the same sad faces
No one really cares that this is happening

We come into this world
And we all are the same
In that moment there's no one to blame

But the world is black
And hearts are cold
And there's no hope
That's what we're told
And we can't go back
It won't be the same
Forever changed
By the things we've seen, seen

Living in this place it's always been this way
There's no one doing nothing so there's nothing changed
And I can't live when this world just keeps dying
It's dying
People always tell me this is part of the plan
That God's got everybody in his hands
But I can only pray that God is listening
Is he listening?

We're living in this world
Growing colder everyday
Nothing can stay perfect now I see

But the world is black
And hearts are cold
And there's no hope
That's what we're told
And we can't go back
It won't be the same
Forever changed
By the things we've seen, seen, seen

We come into this world
And we all are the same
And in that moment there's no one to blame
But we're living in this world
Growing colder everyday
Nothing can stay perfect now I see

The world is black
And hearts are cold
There's no hope
That's what we're told
And we can't go back
(We can't go back)
It won't be the same
(It won't be the same)
Forever changed
(What will ever change)
By the things we've seen, seen, seen

Turn on channel seven at a quarter to eight
You see the same damn thing it's just a different day
And no one really knows why this is happening